Winning At All Costs in Relationships: The Fall-Out

A 5 part weekly series

Part 1

“Love is not about finding the right person but about being the right person for someone.” Author Unknown

I briefly treated a couple several years ago. She called in for an appointment with the presenting problem being her husband having had an affair. He agreed to come in with her. I started the session by thanking him for being willing to come in and asked him if indeed he did have an affair. He said yes, 30 years ago. His wife started to sob. I asked if he had ever apologized to which he answered – yes, with increasing agitation, 500 times. I gently asked if he could do it once more so that I could assess why she was not feeling validated his apologies. He proceeded to turn to her and said, “look, it was a one -night stand, I was drunk, I’m sorry, okay – it meant nothing to me – why can’t you get over it?”

I got it. The impact of his action, even though it was a meaningless one- night stand for him, caused a gaping attachment injury for her. He did not know how to put himself in her shoes, to take her perspective. Consequently, she never felt completely emotionally safe with him subsequent to the affair.

Once he understood what she needed, he was able to apologize in the way she felt heard and they left the session feeling emotionally connected.

Currently, we can expect 40-50 % of first marriages to end in divorce, 60% of second marriages and 73% of third marriages. And this covers only marriages, not co-habitation relationships ending. Clearly, we are not taking the opportunity to learn a new skill set as a result of our first or second marriages ending.

One of the main reasons cited for divorce is poor communication skills. Specifically, difficulty expressing needs, concerns or emotions effectively which can lead to misunderstandings and an inability to find a resolution where both members of the couple feel heard, validated and feel like they have “made up.” Like the couple above, he wanted to understand her but did not have the skill set to do so.

But what is/are the underlying reason(s), responsible for the poor communication, financial difficulties, affairs? What is the source of the inability to resolve marital stress? What are so many couples missing? Why are we not learning from one marriage ending? Why are we taking our patterns that contributed to one divorce into another marriage?

If we all had the mindset to “be the right person for someone” what would change? Soul based love says, what can I do for you. Ego love says what can you do for me.

Take a minute to take this brief questionnaire to see where you fit on the soul-ego love continuum. Be as honest as you can with yourself. Only when we can identify the problem, can we find a solution.

Simply check off what applies for you NOW with a loving, non-judgmental approach (please don’t answer for your partner – but encourage them to do it with you). Then add up your answers for both ego and soul- based love. Use your score as a way of bringing awareness to what you might want to change.

EGO BASED:

1. Do not listen – creates own story line

2. Me versus you – No focus on what is good for US

3. Need love from outside to feel safe

4. Messy – feel emotional pain over and over

5. Do not perspective take

6. Find fault – point the finger

7. Hold onto the details and brings them up over and over even after an apology is given

8. Negativity is bigger than positivity

9. Forget that partner has the intention of being loving even when it is messy

10. “If only, I wish, they need to…” is the predominant message

11. Reactive, vengeful

12. Feel emotionally deprived

13. Perception of the situation is felt as Truth when it is really only your perception (remember there are 3 sides to any argument – each of yours and the reality)

14. Conditional (“I’ll say I am sorry if you do”)

15. Does not learn the lesson so the same fight theme comes up again and again

16. Irrational (“you made me do it”)

SOUL BASED:

1. Unconditional

2. Forgiving

3. Positivity

4. Trust

5. Let go of the details/emotional reaction by understanding that your partner is doing the best they can

6. Learn the lesson

7. Honor the needs of both of you. “Your needs are as important as mine and vice versa.”

8. Perspective takes – you are able to put yourself in your partners shoes (like the couple above) and vice versa

9. Believes partner is doing the best they can even when it is messy

10. Accepts responsibility for what says/does and works to clean up the impact

11. Not needy – have self-love (this allows us to hold space for our partner when they go to ego love)

12. Gratitude – able to see the good AND the messy and have gratitude for the good (instead of over-focusing on the messy)

13. Asks for clarification instead of assuming (assuming means making up a story that may or may not be your partners reason for doing what impacted you -what is intended may not be how you were impacted).

14. What is best for US not ME

15. No expectations other than to both of you to have loving intent

16. Rational

And yes, both members of the couple need to have the goal of soul love for longevity! And to change any negative interaction patterns you have in your relationship means first looking inside.

Stay tuned for Part 2 which will offer some ‘how to’ strategies!

I provide Soul Based Love consulting for couples looking to stack the odds on staying together.

Joan Wright, PhD

www.Sourceconsultingandmentoring.com

sourceconsultingandmentoring@gmail.com